


Mathilda and Oscar

by iimpavid



Series: Clients from Hell [1]
Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Freelance Thievery, Gen, Humor, Mad Science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 12:53:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17683826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iimpavid/pseuds/iimpavid
Summary: Just your run of the mill shark heist.





	Mathilda and Oscar

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a little too coherent to be called crack but it’s crack.
> 
> No gods, no betas, we die like men.

For Peter Nureyev, the life of a professional thief wasn’t all glamor and seduction and high-stakes heists. It wasn’t even all tedious research, drafting blueprints, 18-hour stake-outs, and grueling feats of acrobatic endurance in high heels. No, it was 90% sifting through clients who thought they knew more about his job than he did and felt the need to voice their embarrassing, wrong opinions.

And, of course, there was the occasional unicorn. Someone who wanted something so absurd that it had to be a cover for a real job. Case in point: Iris Tannenbaum.

“She can’t possibly be serious,” Peter muttered to himself, rereading the email for the third time.

 In clear terms, accompanied by the requisite floor plans, worker schedules, and non-refundable deposit, the prospective client had said, _The Common Erinyes Sand Shark specimen is, as you can see, easy to access. The trickier part will be removing it from the aquarium. I’ve taken the liberty of drawing up schematics for a support-tank stroller design that, I think, will be the easiest for you to use. That is, if you don’t already have the means in place for shark acquisition. If you do, that’s fine, too. You know what you’re doing better than I do_.

The attached files included instructions for the care and feeding of Common Erinyes Sand Sharks as well as detailed instructions for how to administer sedatives to them for space transport.

He dialed Tannenbaum’s comms coordinates, expecting to get a busy signal or background radiation. Instead, the line connected with a sharp _click_ and there was a long period of scraping and static as the person on the other end fumbled with their microphone.

“Hi! Hello! I’m sorry about that-- the octopus had my headset and-- anyway, this is Dr. Tannenbaum, what can I do for you?”

“Dr. Tannenbaum, I’m actually calling in response to your inquiry -- an Erinyes named “Matilda”?”

“Oh! Oh my god it’s _you_ !” There was a frantic shuffle followed by a heavy _thunk_. Peter got the distinct impression that the marine biologist had fallen off something. “Stop that-- let it go you little-- oh my god I’m sorry, Mr. Cavendish, so sorry. You’re calling about Matilda-- you’ll really take the job?”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, doctor. I have a few questions about the details before we sign anything.”

“Of course! Naturally, you would, I mean, this isn’t exactly the kind of thing people want stolen,” her nervous laugh trailed into a snort. “It’s going to be absolutely imperative that you keep the water in the stroller-tank no cooler than 21* Celcius-- that’s 294.15 Kelvin--” 

“What do you need the shark for?”

“Because if Mathilda overheats-- I’m sorry, repeat that?” 

“Common Erinyes Sand Sharks are, well, _common_. Why is this particular shark so important that you need to hire me to get it for you?” 

“It’s my husband.”

“... Did I mishear you?”

“Only if you heard me say anything other than “it’s my husband”. My husband died a couple of years ago and he wanted me to upload his consciousness into the body of a marine animal-- he _wanted_ an octopus but there were no viable cephalopoid donors at the time and I did the best I could with what I had. Which was Mathilda. She’s one of a kind, genetically-speaking, and I’ve got all these communications arrays for her that are all ready to go!”

“And how did your husband, the shark Mathilda, end up in an aquarium?”

“No, Mathilda is the shark. My husband’s name was Oscar,” she said, patiently, as if he wasn’t keeping up. “It’s a long story but suffice it to say some luggage got swapped between my private lab and the actual aquarium and there was a solid three weeks where-- I hate to say this but I didn’t have the arrays calibrated properly and I _just didn’t know!_ ”

“Oh dear,” Peter sighed, “It’s going to be alright, Dr. Tannenbaum, there’s nothing to cry over. I’m sure Mathilda-- Oscar-- will forgive the misunderstanding.”

“You don’t think I’m terrible? Confusing one sand shark for another?”

“No, not at all,” he assured her. “But you’ll have to get me as many pictures of Mathilda as possible. I would hate to make that same mistake.”

**Author's Note:**

> Submit your ideas for Peter Nureyev’s freelance clients in the comments.


End file.
